I feel deeply affected by the pandemic. There has been a lot of stress and change and confusion. My emotions are entangled with the physical and there has been a downturn in all my areas of wellbeing.
I live alone and it’s been a lonely time.
I feel let down by the government.
All these things are my truths and the only things I feel certain of…everything else has become hard to know.
My Dad died – not Covid (why do I feel the need to say that every time?) but one of those ‘secondary’ Deaths due to the stress of lockdown and being unable to get the medical community help he had in place before Covid. My heart aches with his absence and rages against the NHS chaos that brought him no support when he really needed it – one of the generation that was grateful for any form of state healthcare and even though he was very poorly, did want to further burden the health system even though he really needed health support.
Grief is complicated by the Covid situation. Everything was delayed and restricted. It was awful that there could only be 10 of us there at the funeral- more could have met together that day to play golf under the guidelines….than could pay their last respects to my Dad. This hurts but people did their best to say goodbye and lined the streets as the hearse went by.
I have had to work full time and more through all this….and noticing how separated we are by circumstances and restrictions – some of us having to work and take risks, others having a few months off using my taxes.
I’ve shouted at people who don’t care enough to keep their distance and I have felt shame when it’s been me that forgot or got too close.
I Have felt despair and feel at times like it would be better if I wasn’t here. I have felt hopeless about the future and don’t have anything to look forward to. music and social times help me restore and balance but it’s like without them I am disappearing – these are difficult things for me.
I’ve been grateful for and comforted by the love of my friends though I ache with the absence of touch in my life.