I feel like I’m grieving for a life I’ve lost, never to be regained

My emotional and mental health has deteriorated drastically as result of this pandemic. Before this occurred I was a happy person, often noted at work that I was always cheerful and never let anything get me down. I’ve coped with a lot of death over the course of my life (now 61) – nephew, brother, parents, friends, friends children but always picked myself back up and knew things would get better and my grief would subside with time. With this pandemic however, I see no end to this situation and feel like I’m actually grieving for a life I’ve lost, never to be regained. During the lockdown when I couldn’t see my children or grandchildren, that was terrible. I had a physical ache in my stomach. I see all of them frequently and not being able to see them, or my friends, made me feel sad, angry, fearful. As lockdown lifted my spirits lifted somewhat as I thought we were seeing a return to normality only to be dashed by further restrictions on our freedoms. The virus doesn’t bother me one bit. We all die of something at some point and this virus is no worse (in fact it’s infinitely better) than dying from other causes. What does bother me is how compliant people are and how willing they are to accept what’s told to them by politicians and the media. I often feel that if I can’t live a free life then I might as well be dead. The only thing that’s stopping me from killing myself is my kids and grandkids as I know too many people who’ve killed themselves and the devastation this causes but I’m worried that the bad days will get too much. I even wonder, if we ever do get back to normal, will I ever be the same again? Will I sit and worry that my freedom could all be taken away again. This is no way to live. It saddens and angers me. I drink too much now which I know doesn’t help but sometimes try to drink so much it will put me to sleep so I’m not thinking about things. I’ve been working from home now for six months which is a very lonely experience and no amount of phone calls, zoom meetings or any distanced connections will make up for being near people. The one good thing that this has taught me is how terrible it is for people who live this way constantly due to frailty, disability etc. What sad lives they must live. I must try and help them if this nightmare ever ends.